sarcasm at its finest

NOW ON SALE: MONOPOLY $6322

Today I received a very sad email which induced surprise, sadness, humor, some more sadness, more surprise, giggles, and ended with much fulfilled feeling of closure

We’re sorry to bring the news that T- Shirt Hell will be closing its doors on Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009

Final message from creator of TSH,Sunshine Megatron:

I’m done. I’m finished. I can’t take the stupidity anymore, so I’m leaving and I’m taking my website with me. As of Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009, T-Shirt Hell will be no more.

No, I’m not selling out to some douchebag corporate entity. No, we’re not being sued by any of the over 40 companies that have sent us cease and desists over the years. No, I’m not going to jail (yet) and no, it’s not because of the economy. Although, the recent dip in sales certainly does make the idea easier to accept, even though we still sell over 3000 shirts a week.

I started this company in June of 2001, nearly 8 years ago, with the intention of producing the best satirical, the most controversial, the funniest t-shirts on the internet. Generally speaking, I feel I’ve accomplished that and am satisfied with what we’ve put out. I made a shitload of dough along the way. I’ve done cocaine off the better body parts of supermodels. I’ve even raped and killed a mountain panda in the hills of Shaanxi. But these perks are besides the point.

I just don’t feel like dealing with idiots anymore. I’ll give you an example of the kind of misguided morons we deal with on a regular basis at T-Shirt Hell. We released a new shirt a couple weeks ago that says “It’s not gay if you beat them up afterwards”. I will not explain the irony or the social commentary of the slogan because anyone with half a brain should be able to handle that on their own. Problem is, we’ve been besieged with emails from angry people complaining about the “fact” that the shirt is hate speech or that we’re promoting gay bashing and should take it down immediately.

Comments like:

“I can’t even believe people buy this shit. Do you realize your supporting a hate crime? That makes you feel better about yourself? Wow you need a life. We’re all human beings and you can’t except it.”

and

“It’s Not Gay:If You Beat Them Up After”?? That is highly inappropriate and very very morally wrong. I will be advising everyone I know to avoid buying anything from your site until shirts like this are removed. In this world people are fighting for equality and a chance to be themselves without fear of being beat up because of who they are, yet here is an established website promoting hate and violence. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Now, I can’t say I’m surprised we’re getting hate mail from people who have nothing better to do than to start half-assed campaigns because of their lazy, just enough passion for an email, ideals towards a misguided cause. It happened when we did our first really controversial shirt, “The School Shootings Tour”, it happened when we did our “What About All The Good Things Hitler Did” shirt, it happened when we did our “Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals” shirt (boy did it happen then). It used to happen all the time when we did more social commentary and didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought and did shirts that did not leave anyone out. Unfortunately, as a concern for the safety of my employees, we don’t push the envelope as much anymore…and I can’t say I feel good about having caved in.

Anyway, rather than cater to the masses, I’m just going to stop making shirts. It’s not enjoyable anymore and I have enough money to move on to something more rewarding. Maybe I’ll start my own hooker farm or maybe I’ll practice sleeping. Whatever I decide to do, it will be better than this.

Attention any venture capitalists or independent investors/business assholes who are about to inquire about purchasing T-Shirt Hell. Don’t. You won’t do the company justice and I won’t take that chance. I’m putting it to sleep. It’s over.

That’s right, I’m crazy. I’m pulling the plug on a company I could have sold for millions. Why in the fucking world would I do something so stupid? Because I can. I don’t care about money. This is the way I’ve always done things…my way.

So, to all the kickass motherfuckers who supported us and REALLY got what we were trying to do, thank you (no, not you, you racist idiots who thought we actually had racist intentions and no, not you, you dumb as a stump fucks who just think any shirt with the word “fuck” on it is as right as rain). Thanks to all the people who contributed to my vice fund and at the same time helped make a funny statement about the world today.

As a final farewell, I’m going to bring back some of the top selling Worse Than Hell shirts as a fuck you to those who forced me to remove them. To those who are offended by them and to those who think I’m racist, promoting rape, a nazi, homophobic or just the world’s biggest asshole…well, at least you think I’m something, which means I’ve achieved what I wanted.

Thanks to Gary, Mika, Jacob, Greg, Bob, the black lady who writes our newsletter, and to everyone else who was part of T-Shirt Hell. Time to move on to even greater things. I’ll miss you (by miss, I mean, it’s going to suck not being able to give you my excellent reach arounds when you least expect them).

Fuck you,

-Sunshine Megatron

What happens after full circle?

First we had voice recognition. For example; when my mother said “if you don’t do the dishes in the next thirty seconds I’m going to slap you so hard you’ll wish you were the spawn of the devils trumpet” it instantaneously sprouted me into action mode and the job got done.

Next we had the lever: If you needed something slightly less time consuming or labor intensive, you pulled a lever and your job was accomplished. Accomplished with only the kind of certainty man made forged steel can deliver. Should it be the wrong lever, simply reinforce the point that there should NEVER be more than one lever in any room at any given moment in time, that’s why we have the divine know-how to build more rooms.

Then the switch came along: Not as menacingly cold to the touch as the lever, but a more compact and less forged way of getting things done. you can quite happily flick away and feel at ease with ones decision; you always have the satisfying click that seems to whisper “if that wasn’t right, just click me back in the other direction”. Kudos to the switch my good man or woman!

Next, we have the button: A very diverse little creature, found in all manner of locations and crannies. The button has always needed some help along the way. After all, how can you be certain the button has been buttoned? Maybe a little light to indicate its intensions, maybe it should stay down to show its current intent. Not as overbearing as the lever or switch, it almost seems to call for you to caress or touch its shiny surface. so what if you press it, know one will ever know it was you, press it! what’s the worst that could happen?

What the hell is a touch screen: plastics version of the round peg square hole scenario. Just how does it work exactly? Is it an alien technology? If we can actually make magic, where’s my telekinetic space bunny with lasers? Just touch it and poof, it is exactly how your brain intended, you’re not quite sure the message actually traveled from your brain, down your arm and to your finger, but hey, why not cut out the middle man? the sooner the better right?

And we’re back to voice recognition: call jon, send bob a letter, buy seventeen stocks in milk pasteurizing, order a pizza, do the dishes in 30 seconds or so help me. And this is where technology comes full circle. We’re back to good old voice recognition again.

what’s next? I’m no expert, but I’m quietly confident it’ll be a button, that when pressed three times displays a touch activated digital lever, that when levered, makes you do a rhythmic dance to the current top selling artist of the week. on completion, you are rewarded with a brand name preserveratized digital food product that is favorable for the electronic key chain pet creature that you downloaded via the internet. The poki-creature will then grow to full maturity and provide you with a social security number on the correct pronunciation of the phrase “I would very much appreciate a place of work and credit card” in Spanish or Japanese.

I remember thinking to myself how spectacular it was to have a game console that actually encouraged people to move around and keep active. I then came to my senses and realized that it was simply technology coming full circle yet again. After all the years spent trying to keep human beings from moving anywhere but the tv, fridge or bathroom, there’s now a new wii-sheriff in town- its called exercise. Apparently people used to do this before video games and they never even heard of a gym.

coolest digital camera ever

I love this little camera, I totally want it. it’s out of my price range though. I remember getting a batman digital camera for my dad’s christmas gift. It cost me $50 and broke 17 minutes after it was used, for some reason this Rollei kind of reminds me of it, but it’s a Rollei, how bad could it be?

This is already something I heard from the mighty phil, but after reading the news article myself, I have an overwhelming urge to share. It’s kind of like an acquaintance coming up to you in a bar and talking to you honestly for a change. You’re not used to such honesty from this individual, especially one who usually travels in much higher circles than you. You listen to his story of hardship and bad business decisions. despite his fancy suit, car, and house, he is broke and has actually tucked his pride to one side in order to ask you for help. Taken by surprise, you do the only thing you can on the spot and reach into your pocket. Handing over your last $50, he takes it and gives you a manly tap on the shoulder. Without even so much as a thank you, he turns around and heads back to his work colleagues at the other end of the bar and declares at the top of his lungs “this round is on me” “what a douche” you think to yourself. But then the revelation sneaks in. You’re the douche! 1) more money was the last thing you should have given him; it’s only going to prolong the inevitable. 2) If he had money, that’s exactly what he would be doing with it. Just ‘cus it’s yours doesn’t mean he’s going to use it any differently. 3) This is the second time he has done this to you. It’s not often I get to quote the infamous G dubya, but I simply can’t help myself: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” Even I’m beginning to wonder what on earth I’m talking about at this point, so here’s the link

Floral Collection v01

ooh look, I’ve just added a new screensaver to the ’screensaver’ section of my website. I have more planned for the future, but this one is my favorite so far. for more of Josh’s work, visit his website.

I was creating a poster for Ms. Candice David promoting the positive side of smoking and decided to google “smoking is good for you” just to see what I would find. The first result made me chuckle so I thought I would share it. sure, I know you could just google it yourself, but would you?

Poster (just for fun)

WAY too much has been said about the ‘ill-effects’ of smoking, what it could ‘do’ to you and other crap. The effects of smoking have been greatly exaggerated, and it’s us smokers who have to face the public sentiment on this.

Anyways, what is the big deal if I smoke? People will often come up to me and tell me, “Smoking can kill you, you know?” I promptly reply with some smartass remark like “Really? THANK you for telling me!” Yeah, Sherlocks. I’m too stupid and illiterate to read the warning on the pack, let alone understand it. I have this feeling that not smoking actually makes people so stupid, they don’t realize that smokers already know what they’re doing to their bodies. Hey, I know my lungs have taken on a distinct coloration of black, with pink patches here and there. I know that I’ll be hacking up blood in my cough, a couple years from now. Who gives a damn?

I have a hectic and inundated life, and I’d like to take a break from it all to enjoy the relief that the cigarette can bring to me. The last thing I need is for yet another self-appointed Samaritan coming near me to tell me what I’m doing to my body, or why they object to me puffing around. It’s not like I’m going up to them and telling them, “Excuse me, sir, could you please go elsewhere, you’re in my smoking space.” I’d really love to do that though, I don’t think that they’re even worthy of breathing my 2nd hand smoke.

How many of you readers smoke? How many of you are ferverent anti-smoking lobbyists? What IS your problem with smokers? Till date, I haven’t seen a good answer for that last question.

I’ve made a list of 20 points I’d like to make for the case of smoking. If anyone can, what is the case against smoking/second-hand smoking?

Here’s my spit:

1. Increases concentration.
2. People often go with the general sentiment on things like these, most of what you hear is hogwash.
3. Cases of cancer are linked with smoking, but it’s not proof. Only 1 in 3 of us will get lung cancer. (By “us” I also include non smokers).
4. Smokers are a persecuted lot, since this habit has been banned from workplaces, restaurants, buses, subways and planes. You don’t think they’d outlaw breathing for christ’s sake.
5. Smokers have the only real community that’s left in the workplace today.
6. Smokers suffer from less stress, since they actually take a few breaks per day.
7. That bruhaha about second hand smoking is a load of crap. it’s just a phrase made up to get normal people who earlier didn’t care about it, to go and further persecute the smokers.
8. It’s cool to smoke. Ever seen a hacker or a real artist with a health shake?
9. Smokers support the economy by paying all those taxes, which *AHEM* some of us don’t.
10. Warning: The Surgeon General fails to warn you that non-smokers die every day
11. Studies have shown that prolonged contact (as in several years) with second hand smoking can cause mild lung problems. Second hand smoke has no immediate harmful effects. Actually, why not just ban non-smokers?
12. Too much is made of the 4000 chemicals that make up a cigarette. Several carcinogens found in cigarettes are found in peppers, carrots, strawberries, tomatoes, onions and grapefruit.
13. Believe it or not, nicotine is actually “a surprisingly potent drug for a variety of diseases that afflict the brain, including Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and Tourette’s syndrome.” (An image makeover for nicotine: It shows promise against brain diseases, HealthCentral.com – Feb. 21, 2000) Smokers have a 60% lower risk of Parkinson’s disease.
14. Nicotine has a positive effect on ulcerative colitis, which is an inflammation of the stomach lining, and this disorder affects nonsmokers more than smokers.
15. Smokers actually recovered better from a heart attack than nonsmokers.
16. Smoking was found to reduce the risk of estrogen-dependent endometrial cancer (dunno what that means, it just sounds really cool)
17. Schizophrenics (4 million Americans) who smoke can get enough nicotine stimulation to switch on a brain receptor that helps filter information.
18. Stanford researchers have discovered that low doses of nicotine – a major component of cigarette smoke – appear to promote new blood vessel growth (in mice). (“Nicotine to be used to treat heart disease,” Reuters Health, HealthCentral.com – Sept. 2000)
19. Alcohol is even more harmful than smoking. Yet not much is said against it as compared to smoking. Half a bottle of wine can supply you with 32-40 times the amount of lead a whole pack of smokes can give you.
20. “Sick smokers may burden a country’s health care system but dead smokers save governments money”

if you’re looking for a decent peer to peer file “sharing” software, I have a recommendation hiding in a much smoother looking fork of LimewirePro. Very savvy developers have taken the limy limewirePro and given it a much needed makeover and released it free of charge. That’s right- free!

No hidden charges or paid upgrades, just a little button at the bottom of their interface asking you to donate should you feel the need. I actually think it’s a little bit faster than limewire and I love- love- love- the the new blue look. My only gripe is the download itself, if you opt to download from their site, you are prompted to pay a small fee. I declined this option and downloaded it from cnet.com instead- skipping the fee all together.

Happy travels.

A rebellious giraffe sparked a mass animal escape from a traveling Dutch circus after kicking a hole of their enclosure.

Two zebras, 15 camels, and an undetermined number of llamas, Catholic Priests and pot-bellied pigs followed the giraffe’s lead.

The menagerie went on a massive killing spree and was spotted wandering through a nearby suburb brandishing crudely made weapons, such as sharpened traffic cones and really- really pointy sticks.

The errant animals and priests were eventually rounded up by police and read their rights in their respective languages. 8,797 people were killed during the rampage 17 people were ordained and 39,677 people were injured.

All suspects are refusing to cooperate with police, and have made it perfectly clear that they will only speak to their lawyers.

Aardina Dutchsomething was one of the survivors and said “I’ve never seen such evil… I thought the last thing I was ever going to witness was the burning look of evil on the llama’s face”

Or at least that’s what we think she said.

No daddy- don't do it!

“poor Brooke Hogan”- that was the name of an article I just read. It then listed a whole bunch of reasons her life pretty much sucked from a third party point of view. I decided to do my own suck factor:

10 being: the end of the world
1 being: the average day of the pion

Suck factor 8: Her brother Nick is in jail
Suck factor 4: Parents are getting divorced
Suck factor 612: Her parents had children
Suck factor 3: Her dad is still in love with mom
Suck factor 2: Mom claims her dad is stalking her
Suck factor 6: Her mother is dating a 19yr
Suck factor 9: Dad had an affair with Brook’s BFF
Suck factor -312: Her singing career is dead
Suck factor 10: Her father likes to rub her butt
Suck factor 7: Her boobs looked better before the implants
Suck factor 5: She actually kind of looks like a dude